10 months of being with Arunachala
My stay in Tiruvannamalai, knowing Ramana Maharshi and returning back to find peace in Bangalore
Last year in January I was invited to Tiruvannamalai by a dear soul - Jubin whom I call ‘Guruji’ with a lot of love. I wanted a change and with my work allowing me to do things remotely, I decided to visit the town. I hopped onto a state bus with zero expectations.
Rarely did I know that in the next 10 months, my belief system would be changing or rather discovering what I always had.
After staying for 2 weeks I made the decision to pack my bags from Bangalore. My dear friend Kannan who was very asked me what was the need when I can travel to the town whenever I needed. Honestly, I had no answer. I loved the small-town vibe and felt that I should spend some more time knowing and reading about Sri Ramana Maharshi.
Guruji and his wife - another very dear soul Saraswati ji whom I call ‘Mataji’ provided the initial support with a very big heart. I was lucky enough to get a nice one-room apartment with a view that would allow me to say hello to Arunachala whenever I wanted.
For the initial two months, I was excited like a kid to discover every corner of Tiruvannamalai and the underlying mysteries. I would get up in the morning, have tea at a regular tea shop and walk to the mountain to visit the caves. (The Caves of Arunachala)
I would meditate there for a while and come down to Maharshi’s ashram for prasadam - a plate full of curd rice and another kind of rice. Some days there would be sweets or even fruits. I would grab whatever it was, have it sitting in one corner, and leave the ashram after buying flowers for my father and Bhagwan.
Around 2 or 3 in the afternoon I would take a break from work, and have some food along with tea. Somedays I would find food at some annadanam or have a simple rice plate. While coming back I would spend time in the ashram.
Around 8 in the evening, I would again go to the ashram, sit in the presence of Bhagwan and by 9:30 I would be back at my place to end the day.
This was pretty much the routine but by the third or fourth month, I started getting uncomfortable and felt that meditation is a very personal space. Later on I started finding peace in my place. I would still go to the ashram daily for prasadam and the morning darshan but my mountain visits moved to the weekend and now I was spending more time in my private space.
During this entire period, I kept myself away from any distractions. In the initial months, my mind started wandering but I controlled it and also I had blessings of the place. There were moments when it would be really tough but sitting with myself helped a lot. Also, the place has a very high frequency and it will give you whatever you are looking for.
As months passed by I would often question myself - what brings me to this place?
I had no intention of becoming a yogi nor I was looking for any special powers. The more I read about Bhagwan (thanks to Arthur Osborne for making it simple for lay people like me) I understood the real meaning of my age-old question - Who Am I? (Who Am I - the quest leads me to Arunachala)
The answer starts appearing when you remove the ego and as you do so the self starts appearing. Of course, it is a practice that needs to be done by an individual, and as you do the answer starts appearing.
In this journey of knowing my true self, I discovered so many patterns that I had developed over the years. One of them was finding peace in others rather than finding it in myself.
This also made me understand that I terribly lack ‘self-love’ and it definitely doesn’t mean buying clothes, finding a partner, having sex, or drinking.
Self-love is the idea of being in harmony with myself when there is no one in life or when I am surrounded by people.
I was happy with whatever was happening but I was living in a cocoon away from the outside world.
The time for testing all my sadhana happened when I visited my mother in October. I thought that I had somehow overpowered all my vices and was in complete control of my mind.
I was so wrong and in just two weeks of living in the city all my vices came back. I was frustrated that I was going down the rabbit hole. While my mind took control over a lot of weaknesses I still had some bit of awareness. I was calm with whatever was happening.
After coming back to Bangalore I discovered that I am the same person with just a bit more understanding about myself and that was about it. Knowing the truth made me happy and I knew it will take some time to make peace with my mind :)
Nonetheless, this phase also made me acknowledge that I should be living in the city and trying to find peace in daily life.
And suddenly it made complete sense that it was no more essential to stay in the vicinity of Arunachala. Staying in the place has a completely different vibe but I wanted to enjoy the same peace or maybe some degree of peace wherever I am.
With this thought, I decided to pack my bags by the end of 2022 and come back to Bangalore.
Now I work on finding peace in the chaos. Every day I fight with my vices some days I win some days my mind wins. I am okay with it and I know it is an everyday battle.
Robert Adams one of Ramana Maharshi’s direct disciples in his book Silence of Heart shares that we shouldn’t worry about life it will be taken care of by the one who created us; our job is to work and find our true self.
When I moved to Tiruvanamali I was very scared that I might become a yogi, or may not find a partner, or even start talking to trees, etc. Today I make an effort that I am not so much worried about my future because my job is to act in my story that has already been written.
I am no one and I thoroughly believe that there is a greater power that has the remote. At the right time, things will happen. Till then I will need to work on myself and carry on my daily routine or responsibilities.
I have found the path and it is my job to keep walking.